Silence

Silence….
An empty space
A Nude noise
Clock ticking somewhere in the background
A honk here
A drop there

Silence… so peaceful
yet so terrifying!

Lust

The ocean of thoughts lumbered forward

defiling my memories

taking me back to the ghosts of past

unclean and uncut

 

Before my eyes, a life lost

the peaceful randomness

gone in an instant

leaving behind only scars of lust

Utopia

Thoughts are like an empty boat in a great ocean

drifting aimlessly in the direction the wind blows.

To reach land is like an utopian dream

yet to realize that dream one must get lost first.

Intimacy

While our perfect intimacy

lures me toward your imperfect nature

I transformed into a holy sinner

from an unholy saint

 

Consumed by your vortex

I destroyed me

you destroyed me

while you remained stoic

 

Now there lies my heart

on the ground

spewed out from the vortex

but hardly beating

 

Time hardly matters now

seasons seem blur

I moved on

but traces of intimacy still remain

Reluctant Traveler’s dairy

 

Varanasi, a magnet for all things spiritual, occupies a special place in the hearts’ of millions of Hindus all over the world. Situated on the banks of river Ganga (considered one of the holiest rivers by Hindus), the city is in the midst of an evolution from being one of the oldest cities to a city where the arms of modernization are slowly spreading.   Caught between being a lazy traveler and a reluctant pilgrim I set out on the journey with lot of questions and excitement.

Allahabad:

After spending 26 hours in a train, my journey started with the city of Allahabad. As soon as I got out of the station, I was greeted with a big hoarding of “Kumari” Mayawati (one of India’s powerful and influential politicians). Allahabad is famous for Triveni Sangam. Triveni Sangam is the confluence of three holy rivers Ganga, Yamuna and Saraswati. This place is of mighty importance to all Hindus. According to the mythology a great battle took place between the Gods and Demons for a pitcher of nectar which will bestow immortality. During the great battle, a drop of nectar fell where the Sangam currently is situated. Hence it is believed that a holy dip at the Sangam will not only break the cycle of re-birth, but also wash away all the sins and pave the way for heaven. For the same reason the ashes of dead people are immersed in the Triveni Sangam. So I took a boat ride to the place where the three rivers meet for a holy dip hoping to wash away all my sins. I was immediately taken aback at the extent of pollution. These rivers apart from being holy, also serve as dumping grounds for almost everything and anything which is a paradox. The most common answer I get when I ask the locals of this paradox is that they depend on these rivers for everything. Literally everything! Nevertheless with great trepidation, I took a dip in the cold and frigid water. And surprisingly, I felt a strange and inexplicable peace wash over me.  

Triveni Sangam is also famous for the Kumbh and Maha Kumbh Mela. These Melas which takes place on the banks of the Sangam occurs every 12 and 144 years respectively. It’s the largest gathering of Hindus on a single day and has a special significance for Hindus. The major events of the festival are a ritual bath at the banks of the river Ganga. Other activities include religious discussions, devotional singing, mass feeding of holy men and women and the poor, and religious assemblies where doctrines are debated and standardized. It is also believed that on this day, Gods come in the form of humans to take a dip at the Sangam during Kumbh Mela. These Melas are often visited by Naga Sadhus (also called as Aghoras).  The Naga Sadhus are considered to be devout followers of Lord Shiva. They are feared and also revered for their extreme lifestyle.

Varanasi:

It is said that every Hindu must visit Varanasi atleast once in their lifetime.  There has always been some kind of spiritual mystery surrounding Varanasi (also called as Kasi and Benaras).  I’ve heard stories of people renouncing everything and traveling to Varanasi to become a Sadhu or to die. I was determined to find out what is that makes this place so special and different from other holy places. This leg of my journey started on a bitter note when I lost my expensive mobile and many pictures that I had already clicked. It is believed that everybody who visits Varanasi is supposed to give up atleast one thing that is dear to them. I had made up my mind not to go by this adage. But unfortunately I lost my mobile and in a strange way I was forced to follow the age old adage. Anyways my first thoughts about the city were that it is like any holy city coping with the flood of pilgrims that visit every day.  The city as such needs a lot of development in terms of basic sanity. The roads are narrow and filled with overflowing traffic with absolutely no sense of direction.  And to add to the many forms of pollution is noise pollution. I am surprised that I haven’t gone deaf with the constant, irritating and unnecessary honking. Apart from the many temples, I absolutely loved the ubiquitous tuk tuks (3 wheeled cycles propelled by human power and used as means of transportation).  Travelling in them you almost feel like a Maharaja traveling on an elephant.

To reach the banks of river Ganga one has to navigate a series of intricate and very narrow lanes which often can become very confusing. However these narrow lanes are a hub of activities. These lanes have houses, temples, hostels, shops selling a wide range of things and also restaurants. It’s like a mini city within and an adventure overall. However the reward at the end is priceless. You are faced with a magnificent view of the river Ganga flowing toward Bay of Bengal in all its might.  The entire hustle and bustle, all that noise is replaced with tranquility and beauty that it leaves you speechless. It’s like time itself stops and you are transported to a different era. During the day you will find people sitting by the river deep in meditation and during the nights, you find people just sitting or walking around enjoying the breeze and tranquility. The main attractions of Varanasi apart from the holy river of Ganga are the temple of “Lord Shiva” and Ganga Aarti (prayer offered to river Ganga) which takes every evening on the banks of the river.  The entire spectacle is stunning and is a treat to the senses in every way. This scene is best enjoyed from a boat on the river.

What I observed is that Varanasi, over the years has become a money making institution with people trying to take advantage of the faith in order to extract money in any which way possible. Every aspect of the faith and religion is commercialized and turned into a profitable business. With this kind of rampant commercialization, faith itself takes a back seat as you are constantly trying to ward off people trying to take advantage.  Having said this, the city also boasts various institutions of different sects and beliefs like “Ramakrishna Mission” that teach yoga, meditation and free medical services.  Varanasi over the years has attracted people from all walks of life including international tourists. People flock to this place not only for the religious significance but also in search of peace and spiritual enlightenment.  Unless you are an atheist, Varanasi does not fail to leave a mark on you.

 I, on the other hand was not sure what I wanted when I started on this journey. But when I left Varanasi, I left with the images of mighty Ganga, the Ganga Aarti, the tranquility that I experienced sitting on the banks of Ganga, those narrow and congested lanes alive with activity, the tuk tuks.

Now the travel bug has gotten into me. I love the unexpected detours. All the well made plans go for a toss and you end up experiencing something new and wonderful.

I intend to continue this travelling. I intent to satiate this growing wanderlust.

.

Stay Away

Stay away!

 Stay away!

My time ain’t come yet

 I am not ready

to sleep in your

arms of death!

Abyss of Fear

 

Caught between the abyss

of real and surreal

My mind grapples to make

sense of this constant noise.

 

The lark stopped

singing long ago

The high faded

ages ago.

 

 

My fear lurks in

 form of darkness

playing an ugly

hide and seek.

 

Now the end to madness

seems oh so near

yet the journey

has just began.

River of Insanity

—————————————–

It all Started with a thought

and a bottle of vodka

The thoughts multipled

as vodka took control

before I realised

I was floating

down the river of insanity

My Kinda Hell

 

 

Finally! The moment I’ve been waiting for. I dreamt about it. I thought about how it all will happen. What would I be doing? What would I be wearing? What would my family be doing? All of us do at some point or the other. All of us think about our ends. And then it happened. One raining morning, I dropped dead. Just like that! All efforts of re-vitalizing me failed. Fools! They didn’t know. I was a goner.

 

I felt like a huge weight has been taken off my chest. I was relieved. It’s like I have broken off some unknown shackles that tied me down to this material, unforgiving and unlivable world. Finally I was free. I was excited about the journey. Journey to the after-life! Oh! I would fry in hell, I knew that. And boy was I ready for it! The way I look at it- frying in hell is like having an orgasm when compared to living in the mortal and judgmental world. There are two types of worlds as far as I am concerned. One the entire world and other: your own little world. When you have managed to wreck your own little world, there is no place you can hide because your world is part of the bigger world.

 

Anyways, I began my journey after having the complete satisfaction of seeing the last bits of my body burned to ash. That’s my ticket! So what now? Where do I go? Is there some kind of place I need to be at where I will be picked up from? While I was trying to figure out what to do next, a dude/dudette (can’t say for sure) appears in front of me and said “you ready?” To which I replied “Hell yeah!”

 

Trust me when I say this, you guys must have seen the portkey thingy in Harry Potter movies? That’s what I saw. The dude/dudette asked me to hold to his/her arm tightly. I had no choice but to hold his/her hand which was covered with tattoos of some kind. And there puff! I was stood in front of some kinda weird looking structure. I am not kidding. I was told that this was a common holding area where the sinner are separated from saints and sent to hell or heaven respectively. So I stood there in line waiting for my turn to enter into the weird looking structure. Once I got in there were these counters that you had to go. I quickly joined ones of the queues.  As I stood there waiting for my turn, I couldn’t help but look around to see if there is anybody I know. I thought I recognized a couple but again was not sure.

 

And when my turn came, the lady behind the counter asked me to stretch my hand. She stared at my palm for a long time. After which, she referred a list and read out my name and some other details and asked me to confirm them. When I did, she frowned. I was not surprised. I thought the list she  looked at must have mentioned that I be shipped to the darkest place  in hell. But all she did was to ask me to wait. I must admit, I was a little perplexed. All sorts of thoughts came to me. What if my time was not over and they would send me back to the mortal world. But I was wrong. I was guided by a creepy looking guy toward another building. What I had to go through next was very painful. I was led into a room full of mirrors. Everywhere you look, the only thing you see if your own self.  Then it made sense to me. I was to look at myself and it was not easy. I’ve avoided doing that all my life. After what I did to people, I didn’t have the courage to look at myself.  Everywhere I looked, it me staring back to me.  I couldn’t even close my eyes. It didn’t happen. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t close my eyes at all. It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do. I was prepared for the worst kind of punishment in hell, but not this. It’s simple and the most effective way of punishment. But I had an eerie feeling that this is not the end. After what appeared to be ages, the door opened and I was led out.  I was told this was just the beginning. One thing most sinners avoid is looking  at themselves in the mirror.  I knew that whatever came next would be worst than this and trust me I was not ready for it.

 

I was led by a creepy looking guy into another building filled with rooms. Each floor had several rooms and all of them were locked. I walked past several such doors and kept on walking.  And finally it happened. I stopped in front of door which had my name on it. I was told that this is the room I was to enter and this is where my soul will rest forever. I asked that creepy looking guy if this is hell. With a straight face he replied “worst than hell”.

 

  The room was dark and initially I couldn’t see anything. My first instinct was to run out of the room. But I knew I could never open the door and I was in a place where breaking the door and running away is not the option. I felt I was in a horror movie where anything or anyone can pop out of nowhere and scare the fuck out of you. Then slowly dark shapes appeared.  After a while I saw those shapes clearly. The felt the full impact of creepy guy’s words when I saw what was in front me.  I was shocked beyond words.

There in front of me were bunch of people. All the people I hurt in my life. Their staring eyes demanding answers. I was defenseless, weaponless. There was nothing to hide behind. No excuses, no lies, no manipulations.   I escaped them before. But now there is no escape.

Yes this is worst than hell! Now I knew why I lived so long.

He/ She – it continues

We sat there on the park bench-shivering in the cold. The heavy silence occasionally punctuated by chirping of the birds. The distance between us can be measured by depth of our history. Despite lack of communication, there was no awkwardness. We felt safe in each other’s company – A familiar feeling. Both of us wondering what we are doing here. Where do we start? How do we start? Should we talk about the progress we made in our respective lives or should we talk about how we thought of each other in the long absence? So many questions, but too little time.

*********

On the way to the park, we took measured steps, ensuring not to touch each other. What a shame? Both of us trying to guess others thoughts. A brave attempt to start a conversation quickly defeated by direction the conversation would lead to. Occasions glances at each other. Shaking our head in disbelief. Was this us? Really us? We were behaving like two strangers on a blind date. We knew we could reach out and touch the other and we wouldn’t protest or feel awkward. So much to say, but too little time.

*********

As I left you sitting on that park bench with tears in your eyes, I knew our fates are entwined. There is no use untangling them. No matter how much we try or how many reasons we find, our paths will cross again and our tryst will continue. No matter whom we belong to, we belong to each other!